Journal
Thoughts/Encouragement/Records/Ideas
Whew! Looking around on this blog I'm realizing that it's been over a year since I've written. Even longer since I've REALLY written.
So much has happened in these past few years, I can't even begin to explain it all to you. And honestly? I'm not going to try. At least, not right now. It's not the time for that. I'll give you a few details so you know where I'm coming from as you read on in this post. I have multiple health issues and ones we don't even know the cause of. I spend most of my free time in bed, miss work more than I wish i had to admit, and sometimes just wish it could all just END already. I'm so sick of living my life SICK. It's very difficult to stay positive in this type of situation. When your body fails you. When you lose your perspective of purpose because you're lying around all day instead of making your dreams happen... or even just managing your life. Lately though, I've been starting to find myself with a slight change in my outlook on things. I've been sicker than ever, missing more work than ever, but I can tell that a change is coming just around the corner. Or at least, I now have HOPE that it's coming. I'm honestly not sure where the switch is that must have been slowly flipped on to start this mindset. Perhaps it's a dimmer switch, and i'm slowly waking up to the light. Anyway, rambling aside, I honestly just feel like i have gotten to the end of my rope. I've heard it said that THAT'S where real change happens. When you have nothing left. No hope, no happiness, no patience, no comfort, no confidence. I'm not going to get into the biblical side of things and tell you that this is the point where God swoops in and saves you from the mess. I'm not there yet. But i will tell you what I am trying to do to make a change. For the past year I have been working part-time as a seller on Poshmark. It is an app where you sell clothes, your own or, in my case, thrifted. It's always been my dream to work for myself. Through many challenges and defeats, I decided to just go for it harder than before. Let me tell you, it is NOT easy. It takes a lot of time, lots of frustration, lots of interaction, some anger, maybe some tears, and a lot of effort. But the feeling I get when i see that notification pop up saying I've sold something makes it ALLLLL worth it. It's funny how that happens. But then there are dark times. Times when it feels like NO ONE is going to buy anything I'm selling. NO ONE cares about what I'm trying to offer.... Did you read what I just said? So many of us struggle with these thoughts in our own life. "No one believes in me and my dreams." "No one cares about what I'm trying to do, or BECOME." I definitely see myself in this example, do you? It is SO frustrating and upsetting to go through your life feeling like you are all alone it it all. To feel like you have all these dreams and ambitions and hopes and goals and no one in the entire world is there to support you. Even when there are people in your life who tell you you're doing a good job. Nothing they may say even matters. It's a YOU thing. It's a me thing. I find myself so often wanting validation from other people. It's just built into me. I wish i knew why. When i hear criticism about myself, or even my Poshmark closet, it wrecks me. I don't even get immediately sad or anything, I get defensive. I get PHYSICALLY shaky and anxious. It's like I'm being put on the spot, which I absolutely hate. I need to do it for myself. The only way to truly succeed is to fail again and again, and KEEP. GOING. I've been having these HUGE epiphanies lately that stem from the most basic, common, and small ideas. Here is one: The people who I see as successful, failed. They failed over and over and over. But they never gave up. They LEARNED from their failures and took defeat as a lesson to get better. Try harder. And keep fighting until those dreams became a reality. THOSE are the people that we truly look up to. We don't look up to the people who tried something and gave up. We look up to those who fought to be everything they were meant to be. I'm going to fight. I don't have anything LEFT but fight. It's not gonna be easy, it's not going to be comfortable, but the only way to have the life you DREAM of and ACHE for is to FIGHT FOR IT. More to come.
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AuthorI'm a girl from Upstate NY who aspires to inspire. Archives
September 2019
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