The Insider View Of My Life

Let's be real here- we are all a mess. 

I have got to say though, I've been having a particularly hard time lately. 
From the outside, through the eyes of people who don't know me in my current state of life, my life looks pretty good. 
Recently, I.... 

• Got promoted to Supervisor at work 
• Got my first apartment 
• Have been active in my church's worship team 

From the view above, I look like someone that adults would be proud of. I work hard, am living on my own, and am committed to my church. I don't care a whole lot what people think I should do with my life- I know exactly what I want my life to be about. 

On the flip side, I am a complete disaster! 

• Though I do have big dreams, I have no idea whatsoever how to pull them off. NO IDEA! The internet can only tell you so much about becoming "famous" or getting over camera-shyness and all of the 'um' 's and 'like' 's.
• I want so badly to leave NY but for the life of me I cannot figure out where to go! I have searched the internet from sea to sea and there is no place that sounds like "home". I just want to pack myself into my future car and just drive till I find a place I love. 
• I am not happy. I am unsure about so many things, just because I don't know anyone who can teach me about what I need to know. My career choice isn't something in the textbooks, or learned through the typical persons' life experience. I feel stuck in my job and my town. 
• I have lost many good friends in the past year. I have ditched toxic relationships and some other people have chosen to delete me out of their lives because of some of my other friendships. I have had to deal with a lot immaturity in my relationships; and I am sick and tired of it. I just want everyone to grow up. Actually, I just want to start over. But I'll keep a few of 'em around for now. You just never know who's gonna leave, and when. 
• I have SO many health issues that I deal with every day; people don't realize how much hell I have gone through every single day since I was 6. I don't complain about it, so people don't know about it. If I were to explain, no one could truly understand anyway. But I give my 110%, 100% of the time, and that might look like 80% to you. But it's way more than you would give if you were in my situation, unless you really pushed hard. 

My point is, just because my life seems to be lined up with the whole "American dream", at least somewhat, it does not mean that I am satisfied or happy with where I have come over all the years of my life so far. 
We all have moments like this.